I could never find my voice. Because I never really wanted to be heard.

I wasted away my youth. But that was a necessary waste in order for me to understand what it means to live efficiently.

Oh why it’s so easy for my tears to fall down? Or really, really, it’s just really sad?

It’s a shame how society influences young girls to think that if a man pampers you and/or spends money on you, it means he loves you. Whatever happened to “trust” and “respect”?
You may be happy and statisfied now cause ur being pampered. But be prepared to cry when he goes looking for another little one to crave for.

Time to learn how to stop saying “Sorry". 

As off the ground as I am, I was always in search of beauty, inspiration and motivation. It’s not even about “them”, it’s all about me. It wasn’t about the cute little things I like or interesting people I talked to, that’s nothing more than an excuse for me to boost up my own ego, to think that my ever-evolving mind was always new, fresh, and sophisticating. But I was wrong, I was standing still, my mind was’t in motion. I wasn’t learning anything, I wasn’t being adventurous. Tripping, that’s what I was doing. However there’s one thing I learned after all that time, it’s pointless to question reality. Really, it doesn’t matter now.  Back then when I was questioning, challenging everything, the “real” already happened, regardless of me being aware of it or not. Things define themselves. 

That’s why it’s so horrible that people try to define things or set standards for others. “Everybody is a genius. But, if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it’ll spend its whole life believing that it is stupid.” – Albert Einstein. I was the fish trying to climb a tree called “Relationship”. All kinds of relationships, from family to friends, to boyfriend, I was scared of them all. I believed I was a failure, a defective creature, an evil being. I read beautiful stories, listened to heart-warming songs, I wanted to believe I was a part of that beautiful world. I tried to escape my reality, in oder to enter another “reality” that I preferred. The viscous circle. There’s no reality that differs from one another. All are the same. The struggle is real, the pain is real, the hard time I gave people around me ‘cause I was trying to squeeze them into my mold - is real. 

It’s time for me to stop define what is and what is not. It’s time for me to stop questioning if it’s me or the whole world that is shitty. The world isn’t an easy place to live in, don’t make it harder on yourself and others.  

“I used to have this misbelief about my life, I thought living was a kind of art, and you don’t ruin art. So I carefully created it with skills, if there’s some part I don’t like, I can just edit it out or delete it off. It’s unacceptable for my masterpiece to have any fault.”. You happen to be my exception, the fault of my masterpiece. I thought at some point I can just “delete” you like what I used to do with other guys. But you just don’t care. You walked in my gallery and said “I don’t give a fuck about art” then tainted whatever I was trying to created. I hated you. But you showed me so well how beauty and ugliness coexist, that it’s ok to love, to hate, to care, to not care, to say something then say something else, to leave and then come back. ‘Cause we’re human after all, right? We’re neither god nor a work of art. It feels good to be human, it’s whole. It wouldn’t be worth it if it was a love story. But it’s not a love story. It’s just a collection of moments, and yes, there were some very ugly moments. But to be honest, I was happy even when I was crying. 

As a little girl as I am, I’m sure confused by the world and creatures around me. That’s why I believe it’s important to never stop learning new lessons about life. Never stop growing up. I’m very immature and conservative. Sometimes I imagine my brain as a little walnut, tiny and hard, but so easy to be chewed to bits. I thought, being happy was all that matters. Sure it’s a greatly important part of life. But not all. And if I focus too much on it, instead of being aware of the key problem, I will just be obsessed over the idea, which can be destructive. For some people, it’s easy to be happy, they live simply and enjoy the presence. I envy that way of living but wasn’t lucky enough to be born with a positive mind. I’m always negative, cynical, pessimistic, full of fears and ugly thoughts. It takes a little more effort for me in order to be happy. So I self train myself, try to learn the secrets of happy and successful people I admire.

1. It’s not easy being a woman.
2. Young girls lack the help they need.
3. Sex is sex and love is love.
4. Happiness ( at least for people like me ) won’t come on it own. It comes with will power. Empower yourself. Wake up. Open mind.

And how many lies we shit on a daily basis

Oh God, I’m ridiculous.